Toughing It Up

Oh, look! It's Cousin It!
Mama lost her shit

Kids, being sick on and off for three weeks, have me exhausted. Drained. Weak from hunger and dehydration as I neglect myself, and emotional.

I had all six this past weekend and was so happy to have them, but the sheer exhaustion and stress was almost too much for me.

I ended Sunday evening naked, screaming and crying in front of the bathroom mirror, while attempting to brush my hair out as days of neglect had tangled my two and a half foot long hair into a ratted mess that I was ripping through with my brush. In a fit of pure rage and a mad rush to get this OFF OF ME, I bundled a towel around me and ran into my bedroom. Snatching up the scissors, I dashed back to the bathroom, discarded the towel on the floor and flipped my hair over. Chopping through my hair ferociously, tears streaming upside down and into my hair line, I watched it fall to the tile floor.
A brief moment of fear and a thought, “what have I done?!” flitted through my mind. Then I took a breath, placed the scissors on the counter, and stood up straight. I glanced briefly into the mirror, then climbed into the tub of hot water and soaked and scrubbed and washed it all away.
Not until I got out and looked did a smile go across my face. No, it doesn’t look great, but the pure relief of that burden, both emotional and physical, finally lifting off and giving me a chance to BREATH…that was unforgettable.

And though we are still all sick (I with a fever and chills and a nasal infection) made into town. To work and to school. To daycare.
Holding on until three, when I can finally leave, is what I am just holding on to. The thought of a messy home, diapers to change, a meal to make, crying children, fever and chills and doing it all alone makes me shudder. But at least I will be home.

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Making a Million

One of my favorites from her collection!

I think we all dream of it. Finding that niche, that job, that way to make it.
Obviously it has been a thing of mine lately and something I am set on. The entrepreneurship of it all. A way to creatively make a living for us. It’s being driven by the lack of work for me lately, and a desperation to get myself out of this hole.

And guess what, I am now home for another week with sick kids. My three year old last night, so I arranged a babysitter for him. At 11, I get the call from daycare concerning my other two who are now sick and I have to go pick them up.
So between diapers, wipes, gas, paying the babysitter and my time…I came out over $100 short today. The days where you spend more than you make (and not by choice) are always hard. Needless to say, there were a lot of tears cried on my way to pick my three year old up and on the way home.

I don’t even know what to do. There are answers out there, but not any new ones. I have read blogs, websites, talked to people…and it seems like unless you already have the capital to invest, there are no opportunities.
I wish desperately I could come up with something new. Something creative and fun and bright and something that people want, but unfortunately it has never been my strong suit.

But here, enjoy these amazing creations and I hope you can find it in yourself to support this mother and wife and her beautiful creations!

https://www.facebook.com/MaeBellaCreations/

WebMD, Help Me!

It’s been another rough week. Like, right from Monday. I tried. I have really tried.
It’s been some stuff at work I have been dealing with, but also this uncontrollable fury just bubbling and boiling out of me. Frustration. Rage. A set jaw, the devil in your eye and an itching and clinging feeling crawling all over your skin.

So, experts of the interwebs, what is going on with me? I feel like I am going to have a violent and vocal outburst because of what I am feeling. And I really, really can’t afford to do that. Is it depression? Stress? Being cooped up with children, work, school and never any down or me time? Is it the winter and cold? Lack of sun? Some one has to have an idea of what I could do or get that could calm this bitter rage just festering inside of me.

I am miserable to be around, I am about to the point where I am going to tell my boss to fuck off (even though there is no way in hell I can afford that) and just do something else entirely. I am even struggling to maintain interest in school, even though it is the one thing I look forward to and love. I am beginning to resent it and get so frustrated at it.

Maybe a break would do me well. But I can’t exactly afford one. Time or money-wise. I feel like I need to just eat and sleep and rest and have fun and dance and let go a little of everything that is keeping me wound up and so anxious.

I Have A Problem

Rockin' my Posh shirt I got for being promoted

Not only am I sucker for bath and beauty products (hence my Posh business) but I also seem to be unable to resist cute baby girl clothes for my daughter. Granted, I only get them if they are clearance and if she needs them. But the DESIRE to look, and get, something for her every time I walk into a store is almost impossible to ignore.
Not that I don’t get stuff for my boys. But lets face it, it is just not nearly as cute.
My almost-five-year-old girl I have the same problem with. I want to buy her stuff (and clothes, mostly clothes) all the time. I know she doesn’t need any as so many are given to her, but uuuuuugggghhhh. I almost wish she wasn’t given so many so I could shop for her.

My biggest problem though? Live video. Office supplies. Being excited about something. Paper. ALL THE PAPER AND OFFICE STUFF AND PENS AND ORGANIZERS. It’s the worst addiction to a non-drug item I have ever had. And it’s making me wish I had money to shop for that stuff ALL THE TIME. I can’t resist. I can’t help it! I held myself back and only bought clearance notebooks this time (thankfully they finally got rid of the Taylor Swift ones and I was able to find good ol’ regular ones) and bought a stack of those in preparation for the new school year and my business. You can never have enough notebooks.
Now I have an irresistible urge to go buy something to organize all my notebooks in…and Posh stuff. Because next to office stuffs, that’s the next obsession I have. God. I LOVE Posh. And I want it all. More than anything I want all the Posh! It’s fun and cute and smells amazing and doesn’t have all the crap in it that makes my skin scream. Seriously. Give me an amazing office, a Staples and Office Max, and Posh. Please. I’ll trade you for my unicorn.

Naptime Hell

He found me

We’ve all been there. Waiting eagerly, counting down the hours, rushing to get lunch done and cleaned up so we can-FINALLY-lay them down.
I have never, until my two youngest boys, hated naptime. Now, the hours before they actually fall asleep (from about 11:30 to 1:00 or later) is hell. HELL. I hate it with a passion.

All of my other children took naps great. They laid down, fell asleep, and I had two or more hours of peaceful silence. Now, I dread laying them down for naps almost more than the sweet relief when they finally fall asleep. I have come to dread naptime.

It is literally hours and hours of yelling “No!”, “Lay down!” “That’s enough!’ “Go to sleep!” “Be quiet!” “Get back in bed!” before they will finally drift off peacefully.

And my question is why. WHY?! Seriously. They are tired. They are cranky. They are emotional and obviously exhausted and yet…they will not sleep?! What is this curse that has been put upon them?! Did the Sandman decide he hated me that much that skipping these two boys would be good revenge? Did he decide I had used up all of my luck with the previous three and I was pass due for children who hated to sleep? Did I, through whining about naps when I was a child, make him hold a grudge against me for all these years?

Oh and don’t even get me started on the early mornings. Seriously. These are the only kids I know who are awake before the butt-crack of dawn (try like 4:30) and if I am lucky, will sleep in until (GASP) 6:00. IF I am lucky.

Naptime is not supposed to be dreaded by a mother. It’s just wrong on so many levels. And yet here I am, every day, dreading the moment I have to actually attempt to get them down and asleep before I can have my sweet moment of silence.

The Signs are Against Me

Even though I am not really into horoscopes or stuff like that (see, I said “stuff” because I don’t even know what it is called) I do believe in the sun signs correlating to personalities so always look at my kids and what they are in order to understand them more.

Well, decided (while on the phone to my sister) to look up what the “rising” is for each of my three youngest as I haven’t done that before.
I breathed a sigh of relief over my daughter, who is a Gemini with an Aquarius rising and Virgo moon. Or whatever. She will be different, but chill.
My three year old is a Libra (lots of patience with those) with a Sagittarius rising and an Aquarius moon. Okay, sweet. Can totally do that.
My two year old. Oh, lort my two year old.
Guess what he is. Just guess. Sagittarius. Right? Okay. Cancer rising (uh-oh) and….a Taurus moon.
I love him dearly. I really do. He is amazing and sweet and when he smiles he literally lights up the room. WHEN he smiles. This poor baby has probably screamed non-stop for the two years of his life and it’s been a roller-coaster ride. And these…they explain it all. They explain SO much. And O.M.G. the cards have been stacked against me.

As my sister and I will both tell you, never ever EVER have a Sagittarius baby (her son is one year older to the DAY) and please for the love of GOD never have one with a Cancer and Taurus influence. He is sweet. Believe me. He is so smart and kind and thoughtful. But he does certainly have some issues that I have been helping him get over to the best of my abilities. Lots of research and love and patience with this baby boy.

Word of advice though, Sagittarius are the more difficult of the sun signs. Taurus and Cancer are also hard to get through to. Having all three in one? Prayers, please. Seriously. I don’t even know what I am doing now.

Cold Toes

Yes, this goes into the Mindless Rambling category. Have fun with that.

I love the snow. It is magical, liberating, enthralling, and just beautiful. One thing that I hate, is that with snow obviously comes the cold. And the cold is unbearable on toes that were frostbit (I know, gross) at the young age of thirteen. In Alaska. When I, at thirteen, didn’t realize it was -40 and decided to run outside, barefoot, through the snow, to my sister’s van to retrieve something for her. Can I blame it on her for not telling me it was that cold and that my toes would nearly rot off? No. Probably not. At thirteen you’re still stupid, but should be mature enough to not run outside in the snow when it’s that dang cold. So, here I am, 26 years old, with freezing toes when it’s over thirty degrees out right now and I just kind of want to cry.
So I need socks. A lot of socks. And slippers and slipper socks. As an adult with perpetually cold toes, I literally beg for warm items for my feet during the winter. Boots. Socks. Slippers. You name it and I want it.
The only thing I have ever found to keep my toes semi-warm during the winter are these uhhhh-MAZING slipper socks I found at Wal-Mart. And no, I didn’t get nearly enough. I was smart enough to grab two pairs, but oh lort they actually keep my feet semi-warm and I want them all. So if ya’ll have any of them laying around…send ’em my way. I’ll wear the shit out of those.