Love Does Make the World Go Round

Yes, I have been absent. For a very, very long time. Let’s just say that horrible, and not-so-horrible, things have happened in the time I have been gone. And at this moment? I am happy. Truly happy. Even with a sick baby (fever and refusing to eat, which may be due to teething) and missing work, I know it’ll be okay. It’s been rough, and there has been ups and downs, but I have to say that having someone who loves you makes it all bearable.

But of course, then comes fear. The fear of it ending. The fear of being hurt. The fear of being betrayed. It is never fun to even think about these as they’ll make your stomach twist, your skin break out in a sweat, and a glaze of pure terror slide over your face. But, is it worth it? After being broken, I swear no. But now? Once I have it? It is. It is worth it one thousand times.

I have been waiting, patiently and not so patiently, for a year. A year I have loved from a distance and watched others being chosen. A year, in which I have had my heart broken by him twice. But now? Now that he is mine and he is there for me? Worth it. Worth it a hundred broken hearts and a million tears shed. The ups and downs? I am looking forward to them. The laughs, shared moments, and memories to come? Something I yearn for. It is never easy. It is never perfect. But I know that because I refuse to give up or back down, I will not give it up. But…once again the fear comes creeping in. What if he does? What if he walks away? What if he decides I am not for him after all? Ahhh, but we must try. Because a life of what-ifs is almost harder to bear than trying and failing.

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Toughing It Up

Oh, look! It's Cousin It!
Mama lost her shit

Kids, being sick on and off for three weeks, have me exhausted. Drained. Weak from hunger and dehydration as I neglect myself, and emotional.

I had all six this past weekend and was so happy to have them, but the sheer exhaustion and stress was almost too much for me.

I ended Sunday evening naked, screaming and crying in front of the bathroom mirror, while attempting to brush my hair out as days of neglect had tangled my two and a half foot long hair into a ratted mess that I was ripping through with my brush. In a fit of pure rage and a mad rush to get this OFF OF ME, I bundled a towel around me and ran into my bedroom. Snatching up the scissors, I dashed back to the bathroom, discarded the towel on the floor and flipped my hair over. Chopping through my hair ferociously, tears streaming upside down and into my hair line, I watched it fall to the tile floor.
A brief moment of fear and a thought, “what have I done?!” flitted through my mind. Then I took a breath, placed the scissors on the counter, and stood up straight. I glanced briefly into the mirror, then climbed into the tub of hot water and soaked and scrubbed and washed it all away.
Not until I got out and looked did a smile go across my face. No, it doesn’t look great, but the pure relief of that burden, both emotional and physical, finally lifting off and giving me a chance to BREATH…that was unforgettable.

And though we are still all sick (I with a fever and chills and a nasal infection) made into town. To work and to school. To daycare.
Holding on until three, when I can finally leave, is what I am just holding on to. The thought of a messy home, diapers to change, a meal to make, crying children, fever and chills and doing it all alone makes me shudder. But at least I will be home.

What’s the next step?

This is real

Okay, you held it together. You quit your job and got your GED. You are in college now. You have a good part time job that you really like. But you know it’s temporary. You know it won’t last and, more importantly, it won’t get you to where you want to be.

If you want to buy that home, buy that rig that isn’t 20 years old, want a yard and a dog and an office/library, you know you have to pick yourself up again and soldier on.
And this time, though it isn’t as hard mentally, emotionally or physically, is trying in it’s on way because now it’s just time. Waiting to finish your education. Waiting to see what opportunities you can dig up for yourself. Waiting for the education and knowledge you need to be able to find something that will get you to this next goal. And you know, realistically, it is a lot of time. Just a waiting game until you are capable enough to move forward. And it is almost harder in some areas as you have come so, so far in such a short time and yet, still have so far to go.

So, bide your time. Listen to Black Veil Brides. Do birthday’s and the flu and cleaning and laundry and figure out and balance bills and rent. You are surviving now. It’s miraculous now to even do that with almost ease compared to what it was like last year.
Wait for spring. For something amazing to happen. For a degree. For a job. For the kids to get older so it is a little easier. Take a step back and look back. Reflect. Enjoy the now (as hard as that is) because just LOOK. Look at YOU! You did it. You are making it. You have a home and a van and enough money to even buy a few gifts. Take a breath and cherish this sweet, fresh day. The birds actually out for the first time in months. Those little hands grasping yours. Take a breath and love it. Because you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Grit Among Desperation

There are so many single moms who struggle and fight and never give up. There are so many who pray, cry and stay up at night brainstorming for a way to make it. Just to provide homes for their children, food, a reliable vehicle, and the necessities. And they view that as being “comfortable” and even well-off.

So many people never realize that many single moms make less than $2,00o a month. My income caps out at $1,300. I pay rent, a court fine, my phone, internet, child support, buy diapers, wipes, toilet paper, laundry soap and quarters to wash clothes and am so, so lucky if I have $20 at the end of the month.

I am sure you have searched frantically on Google, Pinterest, read websites and blogs on how to “make it” as a single mom with children and just feel overwhelmed and defeated. You know those “Here’s How I Made 6 Figures In A Month As A Single Parent…”, all the “tips” for starting your own business, how to save up and invest by not buying those $5 coffees every day (HA! Like I have even a dollar to spend on coffee every day!) and they all just seem to be making fun of you because you don’t have a clue, or an extra $10, to invest in anything. You have no marketable skills. No training or knowledge. And see no way of ever becoming that success story. I am right there.

Today is my 27th birthday. I have been single two years. I don’t get child support. I own a 1994 Plymouth Voyageur that was donated to me. I live in a two bedroom apartment with a crotchety man living above me who stomps his feet on the floor every time my children play loudly. I have no yard. I owe 3k in back child support. I have no credit. I work part time for minimum wage while going to college. I have six children total. Three I see every other weekend, three I have full custody off and who have no father at all in their lives. I have to borrow money to pay rent this month.

What do I do? Now that you know the highlights of my story. How do I make it in a town of 1,600 people? How do I become a success? How do I make it through this and provide a wonderful life for my children? I need an answer. And if you are reading this, I hope you have one or, if you need one, that you get it.

I am not giving up. Because I can’t. But I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I will keep on. I will try to take one moment at a time. I will try to keep breathing and loving and moving forward in hopes that one day things will be wonderful for us.

Stronger than I think

It’s been rough. Really rough. It’s been a while since I had a genuinely bad time and going through another one has made me think back on how I have survived so much.

Everyone always tells you that being a single mom is hard work, that I am so strong and brave and amazing for working, going to school and taking care of my children. But I can’t say I ever really believe them.

Because they don’t see the tears I cry. They don’t see me losing my temper. They don’t see me struggling just to keep the living room picked up. They don’t see me sobbing at my filthy apartment because I am too tired to clean it. They don’t see me struggling to come up with a healthy and filling meal for my children while I go hungry because I am too tired to eat.
I know that those struggles and the fact that I keep showing up at work and school every day, that my children are still healthy and fed and loved means I am succeeding. That I am strong. But I always feel that I am failing. That I am falling further and further behind. That I am not doing all I should or that I can do to make life as good as it could be for us.

I feel like I need help. I am drowning, and can’t do it alone. Though I know I have been through so much worse and this is nothing in comparison.

When we struggle, how we struggle, and how we deal with the struggle makes us who we are. It’s just facing it that takes the most out of us.

Pandora on Point

Amazing. Brave. Fierce.

I am being slightly naughty. Instead of working on accounting, I am sitting here at school listening to Pandora, marketing and blogging.
But yeah…that Pandora radio today. Wow. It’s been Hollywood Undead, Pink and Nico and Vinz. Some of my favorite songs one right after the other. Makes me feel like I am absolutely killing it and getting things done when in reality, I haven’t done that much. Yet. I have a few more likes and some shares on my page so I guess I have done a little bit, but nothing worth mentioning.
And BlackVeil Brides are now playing. Pandora…I love you today. Probably more than the warm temperatures (OMG FINALLY) and the sun shining today. And that burrito I had for lunch.

The only crappy thing is I am once again running on four hours of sleep. So I am lusting after some rich, creamy, strong coffee right now. Desperately. Mmmmmm just dreaming about it makes me all warm and tingly and makes me long for the sweet taste in my mouth…okay! Enough pornographic content for the day. Or would it be sexually explicit? I don’t know the difference. Either way. I want coffee more in my life than a man. And that should say a lot about my relationship with coffee versus men.

The only difficult thing I am facing right now is the overwhelming urge I have to start singing with headphones on.

Mama’s Working

I love me-time!

Sick kids+a work at home job=income. Or, at least getting stuff done.
I was able to go into work and school until about 12:00 this afternoon, then I got a message from my daycare provider saying the three year old had a fever and had to picked up.

So, a quick stop to get gas and then we were headed home. I was super happy to stop at the Post Office and see my doTERRA oils were in (YAY) and couldn’t wait to get home and open up the box so I could get them on my sick kids. My amazing friend sells them, and I was able to order a kit this month so I am set for a while.

But, other than that I made a gazillion calls. And have decided this is the year I also want to start working towards buying a home.
My goal is to buy within the next three years, so I made several calls today regarding that (classes, some programs, lenders, etc.) as I want to be proactive and prepare and educate and start moving towards that goal. And what better month to do that then in January? Here’s to hoping I actually get some calls back as well as the information I requested (insert wry face).

Also, sick kids also gives me a chance to sit down and unwind with some coffee while I talk at you. And please, if you’d like to actually have a conversation with me I’d love that too. I am a working mama, I never get to talk to anyone besides to argue with tiny people about what cup belongs to who and that no, they really don’t need to watch Chuggington for the hundredth time.
So, Posh (my own business), coffee, blogging, doTERRA, several inches of snow and napping kids. GO ME!