Yes, I have been absent. For a very, very long time. Let’s just say that horrible, and not-so-horrible, things have happened in the time I have been gone. And at this moment? I am happy. Truly happy. Even with a sick baby (fever and refusing to eat, which may be due to teething) and missing work, I know it’ll be okay. It’s been rough, and there has been ups and downs, but I have to say that having someone who loves you makes it all bearable.
But of course, then comes fear. The fear of it ending. The fear of being hurt. The fear of being betrayed. It is never fun to even think about these as they’ll make your stomach twist, your skin break out in a sweat, and a glaze of pure terror slide over your face. But, is it worth it? After being broken, I swear no. But now? Once I have it? It is. It is worth it one thousand times.
I have been waiting, patiently and not so patiently, for a year. A year I have loved from a distance and watched others being chosen. A year, in which I have had my heart broken by him twice. But now? Now that he is mine and he is there for me? Worth it. Worth it a hundred broken hearts and a million tears shed. The ups and downs? I am looking forward to them. The laughs, shared moments, and memories to come? Something I yearn for. It is never easy. It is never perfect. But I know that because I refuse to give up or back down, I will not give it up. But…once again the fear comes creeping in. What if he does? What if he walks away? What if he decides I am not for him after all? Ahhh, but we must try. Because a life of what-ifs is almost harder to bear than trying and failing.