WebMD, Help Me!

It’s been another rough week. Like, right from Monday. I tried. I have really tried.
It’s been some stuff at work I have been dealing with, but also this uncontrollable fury just bubbling and boiling out of me. Frustration. Rage. A set jaw, the devil in your eye and an itching and clinging feeling crawling all over your skin.

So, experts of the interwebs, what is going on with me? I feel like I am going to have a violent and vocal outburst because of what I am feeling. And I really, really can’t afford to do that. Is it depression? Stress? Being cooped up with children, work, school and never any down or me time? Is it the winter and cold? Lack of sun? Some one has to have an idea of what I could do or get that could calm this bitter rage just festering inside of me.

I am miserable to be around, I am about to the point where I am going to tell my boss to fuck off (even though there is no way in hell I can afford that) and just do something else entirely. I am even struggling to maintain interest in school, even though it is the one thing I look forward to and love. I am beginning to resent it and get so frustrated at it.

Maybe a break would do me well. But I can’t exactly afford one. Time or money-wise. I feel like I need to just eat and sleep and rest and have fun and dance and let go a little of everything that is keeping me wound up and so anxious.

Advertisements

Stronger than I think

It’s been rough. Really rough. It’s been a while since I had a genuinely bad time and going through another one has made me think back on how I have survived so much.

Everyone always tells you that being a single mom is hard work, that I am so strong and brave and amazing for working, going to school and taking care of my children. But I can’t say I ever really believe them.

Because they don’t see the tears I cry. They don’t see me losing my temper. They don’t see me struggling just to keep the living room picked up. They don’t see me sobbing at my filthy apartment because I am too tired to clean it. They don’t see me struggling to come up with a healthy and filling meal for my children while I go hungry because I am too tired to eat.
I know that those struggles and the fact that I keep showing up at work and school every day, that my children are still healthy and fed and loved means I am succeeding. That I am strong. But I always feel that I am failing. That I am falling further and further behind. That I am not doing all I should or that I can do to make life as good as it could be for us.

I feel like I need help. I am drowning, and can’t do it alone. Though I know I have been through so much worse and this is nothing in comparison.

When we struggle, how we struggle, and how we deal with the struggle makes us who we are. It’s just facing it that takes the most out of us.

Pandora on Point

Amazing. Brave. Fierce.

I am being slightly naughty. Instead of working on accounting, I am sitting here at school listening to Pandora, marketing and blogging.
But yeah…that Pandora radio today. Wow. It’s been Hollywood Undead, Pink and Nico and Vinz. Some of my favorite songs one right after the other. Makes me feel like I am absolutely killing it and getting things done when in reality, I haven’t done that much. Yet. I have a few more likes and some shares on my page so I guess I have done a little bit, but nothing worth mentioning.
And BlackVeil Brides are now playing. Pandora…I love you today. Probably more than the warm temperatures (OMG FINALLY) and the sun shining today. And that burrito I had for lunch.

The only crappy thing is I am once again running on four hours of sleep. So I am lusting after some rich, creamy, strong coffee right now. Desperately. Mmmmmm just dreaming about it makes me all warm and tingly and makes me long for the sweet taste in my mouth…okay! Enough pornographic content for the day. Or would it be sexually explicit? I don’t know the difference. Either way. I want coffee more in my life than a man. And that should say a lot about my relationship with coffee versus men.

The only difficult thing I am facing right now is the overwhelming urge I have to start singing with headphones on.

Mama’s Working

I love me-time!

Sick kids+a work at home job=income. Or, at least getting stuff done.
I was able to go into work and school until about 12:00 this afternoon, then I got a message from my daycare provider saying the three year old had a fever and had to picked up.

So, a quick stop to get gas and then we were headed home. I was super happy to stop at the Post Office and see my doTERRA oils were in (YAY) and couldn’t wait to get home and open up the box so I could get them on my sick kids. My amazing friend sells them, and I was able to order a kit this month so I am set for a while.

But, other than that I made a gazillion calls. And have decided this is the year I also want to start working towards buying a home.
My goal is to buy within the next three years, so I made several calls today regarding that (classes, some programs, lenders, etc.) as I want to be proactive and prepare and educate and start moving towards that goal. And what better month to do that then in January? Here’s to hoping I actually get some calls back as well as the information I requested (insert wry face).

Also, sick kids also gives me a chance to sit down and unwind with some coffee while I talk at you. And please, if you’d like to actually have a conversation with me I’d love that too. I am a working mama, I never get to talk to anyone besides to argue with tiny people about what cup belongs to who and that no, they really don’t need to watch Chuggington for the hundredth time.
So, Posh (my own business), coffee, blogging, doTERRA, several inches of snow and napping kids. GO ME!

It’s Hell and it’s been Frozen Over

Accurate depiction of my home when I walked in

It all started at about 1:30 when I, to my horror and amusement, I fell asleep at work.

My daughter has been sick and not feeling good, so she has been keeping me up a lot at night as well as this weird cycle I am on of waking up multiple times and unable to go back to sleep.
Then the two year old decided to scream all the way home. And then I got home and am surrounded by nothing but dirty dishes, counters, floors and toys strewn all over. A sink that has needed scrubbed for months and dinner looming ever-closer.
Laundry that I folded last night was still in need of being put away, with several more loads to do.

And it’s been a fan-freaking-tastic -15 degrees, warming up to a balmy seven with a lovely wind accompanying the delightful temperatures. And my can opener broke. It’s the fifth one I have managed to destroy in a year. And I swear I am fucking cursed when it comes to those things.

I also got a delightful email from the ex. That was just great, too. I love getting communications from the person I have a restraining order against.

So, I began to frantically make dinner only to discover that several key ingredients I can’t access because I have no can opener. All the while being screamed at by three small children who either need dinner RIGHT NOW or they are GOING TO DIE or by the sick baby who needs her mama to hold her and pack her around all the time. I gave up and opened a can of stew (thankfully I did not need the can opener for that one) and warmed it up and served it with bread. My poor starving children ate a whopping five bites and decided they were full and wanted to go play. At this point…I really don’t care.

I hung in there until six, then made them go potty and kiss me and I put them in bed. I really don’t even care if they fall asleep or not. As long as they are in their room knowing they have to be quiet and stay in there, I will be more than happy with that.

Okay, so it wasn’t a bad day. Really. I am just cranky because I am tired and feeling like I need a maid. Desperately. Unfortunately, I don’t think I could hire one. Unless they’d be happy with $3 a day.

“First Day”

It’s what I have dubbed it. The first day back at real life after being home either sick or on winter break for a few weeks. I have been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading First Day.
I knew it would be hard as getting up early again (5:00-5:30) and rushing all morning to get out the door is never easy, but also because First Day is always just crazy and hectic. Stressful. Chaotic. Definitely chaotic.

So. Today was my First Day. And it may have just made me cry a few times. Not sobbing and bawling in the car. But definitely a few tears trickled down my cheeks. It was one kinda bad thing after another and a whole lotta’ nothing I can do about it. Let me run you through it…

Late leaving the house. Boys screaming and fighting. Door on the van wouldn’t open. It was FUCKING ZERO DEGREES. Van was still cold. Coat doesn’t fit. Coat made my hair a static mess. Fingers freezing all the way in to town. Stuck behind morons going 40-45 all the way into town. Two year old screaming because he got snow on his boots. Financial aid didn’t come through and my tuition has not been paid yet. Found out I have to stay until three every day to get my hours in. No missing work or being able to leave early because of class schedules. Found out that my beloved class (Accounting 202) is now all online and videos and therefore I won’t actually be in class at all. (That was actually the hardest blow as it is the only thing I look forward to). My plant was pretty much dead from being frozen and then dehydrated for weeks. Had court. Found out I had to drive back home to get documents for court. Got stuck behind someone doing thirty. Got to the passing lane and began to pass. They blew by me going way over 60 mph. Screamed and gave them the finger. Got home and got the document (it is still freezing cold) and began to drive back to town with less than 20 minutes to spare for my court hearing. Got another review hearing for next month. (MORE FREAKING COURT.) Picked up children. Door on the van wouldn’t open. Stopped to get diapers and groceries. Two year old screamed all the way home. Door on the van wouldn’t open. Made five trips out to the van and back to get all the kids, groceries, diapers and my stuff in. (Have I mentioned it is FREAKING cold?) Hair was still a static mess and I kept getting shocked. Last trip in and my fingers got wet. Froze to door handle. Managed to piss off the guy I love (who yeah, doesn’t love me back) and he isn’t talking to me. Oh. And I have been up since three. FIRST. DAY.

I hate you, First Day. Thank God you only come around every few months because there is no way in hell that I could deal with you and your shit every day.

I Have A Problem

Rockin' my Posh shirt I got for being promoted

Not only am I sucker for bath and beauty products (hence my Posh business) but I also seem to be unable to resist cute baby girl clothes for my daughter. Granted, I only get them if they are clearance and if she needs them. But the DESIRE to look, and get, something for her every time I walk into a store is almost impossible to ignore.
Not that I don’t get stuff for my boys. But lets face it, it is just not nearly as cute.
My almost-five-year-old girl I have the same problem with. I want to buy her stuff (and clothes, mostly clothes) all the time. I know she doesn’t need any as so many are given to her, but uuuuuugggghhhh. I almost wish she wasn’t given so many so I could shop for her.

My biggest problem though? Live video. Office supplies. Being excited about something. Paper. ALL THE PAPER AND OFFICE STUFF AND PENS AND ORGANIZERS. It’s the worst addiction to a non-drug item I have ever had. And it’s making me wish I had money to shop for that stuff ALL THE TIME. I can’t resist. I can’t help it! I held myself back and only bought clearance notebooks this time (thankfully they finally got rid of the Taylor Swift ones and I was able to find good ol’ regular ones) and bought a stack of those in preparation for the new school year and my business. You can never have enough notebooks.
Now I have an irresistible urge to go buy something to organize all my notebooks in…and Posh stuff. Because next to office stuffs, that’s the next obsession I have. God. I LOVE Posh. And I want it all. More than anything I want all the Posh! It’s fun and cute and smells amazing and doesn’t have all the crap in it that makes my skin scream. Seriously. Give me an amazing office, a Staples and Office Max, and Posh. Please. I’ll trade you for my unicorn.